The more I see, the more I begin to unsee: assumptions, self-images, and explanations that once felt solid.
The periods are approximate.
Early questioning
As a child, I was drawn to Hanuman, although I do not know exactly why. A visit to Gadhimai, where animals were sacrificed in the name of a deity, left me wondering why a god would require suffering. I now see this as one early moment when questions about religious practice began to appear, although I cannot say that it immediately led to a formed position.
School and early adulthood
My movement toward skepticism and my interest in veganism overlapped in time. Questions about animal suffering, sacrifice, religious authority, and how one should live became connected for me, though I do not think of them as one simple causal progression. Veganism was an important former practice and remains an unresolved ethical concern.
Before and during graduate school
Before encountering Krishnamurti, I had begun to notice thoughts, reactions, self-images, and judgments. When I later encountered his work, it gave me language and direction for staying with questions that had begun to arise for me.
Late 2025
Around late 2025, perhaps November or December, I noticed a division between the thought involved in acting and the thought commenting on or observing the action. After an interaction went poorly, I felt more identified with an imagined, more mindful future self than with the actual person who had acted. I later understood that future self as an image, while the past action had really happened. Seeing this felt both liberating and slightly funny. It also exposed how the mind could create an observer who seemed separate from what it observed.
Continuing practice · overlapping period
At first, the thought involved in acting and the thought commenting on it did not feel like ordinary thoughts passing by. The division created confusion and fear. Later, through an uncertain combination of listening, guided meditation, and personal observation, I began to wonder whether the observing process might also be a thought rather than a separate observer. The division has not disappeared, but I have become more able to continue doing what is needed while difficult thoughts and feelings are present.
Current exploration
After moving to New York, I began learning about Buddhism and Advaita Vedanta. In my limited, early exploration, they seemed similar around questioning the ordinary self, self-inquiry, direct observation, freedom from identification, and impermanence. I am currently reading about Dzogchen and plan to study Advaita Vedanta more closely. I am still learning about the important differences between Buddhist teachings on no-self and Advaita Vedanta’s language of the true Self.
Current inquiry
I am still trying to understand what it means to observe thought, whether the observer is separate from what it observes, and whether the self is a fixed entity or a changing construction. The inquiry continues through reading, reflection, meditation, and the ordinary work of living.